No poetry in there

The sky is grey, not the melancholic, rainy grey. Its more like...colourless.

My poetry for pain and separation has lost its way.

They are the same feelings, bordering numbness

Is it because I knew the inevitable and was only hoping for unicorns to save me?

Is it because you never really believed in magic?

Or is because love went on a holiday and never returned?

I am not looking for answers.

I am not looking for hope 

I am not afraid of accepting failure 

I am looking for a new colorscape. 

Somewhere I am looking for the piece of cloth 

That I was making with all words, and colors and threads since I realized 

Mills and Boons are bullshit

But lovestories are not.

Since I felt butterflies in the stomach

And realised its not a myth

From being angry at myself and then at you

I have come a long way.

I have learnt the not so cool art of not baring my soul

I have learnt to look the other way and hide the tears.

And pretend the good feeling of fall 

I am disappointed in me

For making choices and trying to find the romantic story I believe in

I am disappointed in you

For being so a-sensitive (if thats even a word, maybe un-sensitive is) 

I am looking for a way out, and now when I have found one

I am tired to to walk the 17 miles. 

I dont know how you feel.... 

Relieved 

Heartbroken 

Indifferent

And that perhaps is something I can’t pretend to not see 

All I wish(ed) for was to find, curate and put up art together

And maybe make our own.

The failure is, like most things, it remained just another fad that people do.

Learning

Learning from fear
The fear of losing attraction
The fear of losing the chase
Learning from loss
The loss of compassion
The loss of love
Learning from decisions
The decision to move apart
The decision to make new art
Learning from pain
The pain that enables
The pain that progresses
Learning from love
The love that gives strength
The love that needs to be found 

Forgiveness

Woke up being forgiven

But was there a sin?

To have loved differently

To have created new norms 

To have defined intimacy 

Was there a sin 

Behind the closed doors 

Under the open sky

In the web of white lies 

I woke up being forgiven 

To have loved you under dim lights 

To have loved you midst the wild sea

Forgiven 

To have wanted to live free

The Background

The background is most comforting
Its easy to fade into it
The noise drowns
The colours run out
Its easy to slip through the cracks
The texture get old
The cloth gets mould

But the background doesn't feel like
Her old self anymore
Something has changed
She wasn't the same anymore 

Saving the day

Can words kill?
Maybe, maybe not
But they do something...
Leave that mould in heart

I have never had closure
With a lot of people
I have never had closure
With old lovers and friends

The mould in the heart refuses to go
Coz they are looking for closure
But I think the end of life
Is the only closure
One seeks

Everything in between
Is like a one night stand
In a city where no one ever sleeps

A talks about love and stuff

A likes new years. Its like a closure of the old one - good,bad,ugly.

A likes when she can make confident decisions. 

What she doesn't like is when she feels a certain loss of magic.

A million dreams have been killed in the quest to be realistic.

When A fell in love, it was just a feeling, fighting every odd...

Today its more of a memory of how the feeling was - intense,passionate,lucid,pure,raw,unapologetic

Today the feeling is scared to feel, looks for right time, has lost spontaneity, cant even cry out loud in despair of the memory.

A always said she can’t get married. Even when she wanted to spend the rest of her life with B, she didn’t say marry me!

But there was a condition of getting married. So much so that spending nights seemed not possible if they weren’t married.

A's sexuality is something she has grown up with. How does she change that? She can only suppress it. 

What does A do with the un-abashed flow of energy that she feels with same sex? 

In today’s world we cheat every single day. We wish to have “you” here, though the “you” is not the person you apparently are with.

The reason we don’t have to live with it is because it is casual and we aren’t honest.

A doesn’t complain about it anymore, she doesn’t feel the need to.

All A wants is to have a simple magical feeling of being with someone who she can spend the rest of her life with.

It comes with no condition.

It just comes with a commitment to be with one another, living the life both of them want, and its kind of the same things.

A likes melancholy and darkness, its only then she can see the moon and the stars.

If A misses B, and B misses A and thinks the other one doesnt' care, they are being idiots.

Everyone does the same thing with their lives, coz its the safe thing to do. 

A just wanted an unadulterated version to live and love, minus the should-s and haves.

B probably doesn’t want that. 

So can they create magic if they don’t want the same things from life and love?